Capacity to Love. A Love Story

I’m totally and completely in love with this tiny person.

This story may start out a little sad…but trust me, it’s a very happy ending :)
I was so scared when she was born. Even more scared than I was to have Atlas. You think you would be more scared for your first child. I bonded with Atlas months before he was born. Not Urban. My fear wasn’t that I wouldn’t know how to take care of her, like it was with Atlas. My fear was that I wouldn’t love her, because my love capacity was so taken up by Atlas…to the point of bursting….
There were even times during my pregnancy with Urban that I wondered why I decided to become pregnant, because I couldn’t play with Atlas like I used to, and I LOVE to play with Atlas….we would rough house and run and jump and I couldn’t do any of that anymore, at times I was upset with the baby inside…. :(
When I went into labor, I called my mother….sobbing….uncontrollably….I couldn’t even talk. All I could think about was loosing time with Atlas. No more one on one. Being torn away from my baby boy, that’s what I thought this stranger about to enter my life was doing…. Sounds so horrible doesn’t it….

And then I saw her tiny face. Her helpless cry. Crying out for me, the one woman in this world the Lord entrusted this angel to. Why, I’ll never know. I do not deserve her. Absolute purity. Absolute innocence. Part of me that I’ve missed for so long (23 years and 363 days to be exact). And my capacity to love increased in that moment.

Then a few weeks ago, I was laying in bed with Urban, just laying there looking at her. She was looking back at me. And I was overcome with the spirit and I knew in my heart – I would do ANYTHING for her. I would die before I let anything bad happen to her. I think being willing to die for your child is pretty much a given with motherhood, but we had been so busy with the move and jobs and life that I had let my mind fall into a drone-like state of love & taking care of my family in a way that saw to their needs, emotional and physical, but not much beyond. This feeling was faaaar beyond. Through teary eyes I kept staring at her until she fell asleep and long after. She was staring at me too as she fell asleep. We bonded.
My love for her is far beyond any normal motherly love. Equal to my love for Atlas. Very different, but equal. Its so strong….I just want to like….curl my hands into fists and scream. Its just that strong.

I stare at her as much as I can now. Its all I can do to not grab my phone or ipad when I’m about to sit down and nurse, but I’m always happy I didn’t grab one of those once we connect and start staring into eachother’s eyes for ten to fifteen minutes…we will only share this special bond for a year-ish…its all I can do to get Atlas to look into my eyes for five seconds, let alone ten minutes!

This is my commitment to savor every moment

my baby girl will stare into my eyes.

My Commitment to stare back.